Listen to last week’s sermon: Father’s Day – Unlocking the Hidden Potential in the Men in Your Life found in Ephesians 5:33

On June 15, 2025, Father’s Day, Pastor Eric, a warm smile gracing his face, ascended the steps to the pulpit. His voice, amplified by the microphone, resonated throughout the sanctuary. “Happy Father’s Day to all the dads!” he announced, his voice brimming with genuine appreciation. He paused, allowing the greeting to settle amongst the congregation, before continuing with a more earnest tone. I felt very strongly today that fathers, that men in general, need to be recognized, appreciated, and truly taken care of.” He shifted slightly, his gaze sweeping across the faces in the pews. “I want to discuss something significant regarding men, a topic that profoundly impacts their lives and the lives of those around them, yet often goes unspoken, shrouded in silence.” He paused again, letting the weight of his words sink in. “Men,” he declared, his voice now infused with a palpable sense of anticipation, “I believe you are going to be happy you came to church today, because what we are going to talk about, what I’m going to be addressing today, is rarely taught anywhere else. It’s not something readily found in textbooks or discussed in casual conversation. It is rarely taught in schools, barely discussed in the broader context of our society. In fact, you can even get in trouble if you talk about this openly in society sometimes, or at the very least, you might be met with puzzled looks and uncomfortable silences. It’s sadly overlooked, even within the walls of some churches.”

He leaned forward slightly, his expression becoming more intent. “My message today is simply this: ‘Unlocking the Hidden Potential in the Men in Your Life’”. He straightened up, addressing the women in the congregation with a reassuring smile. “Now ladies, there is absolutely no need to worry. This is not one of those messages when I’m going to simply preach at you, laying blame or placing undue burdens on you. Instead,” he emphasized, “it is an opportunity for all of us, men and women alike, to gain a deeper understanding of how men are inherently wired, the strengths they possess, and the remarkable things they can achieve when their potential is truly unlocked and nurtured. This will apply to the men you cherish and interact with daily: your father, your husband, your brothers, your sons, and your colleagues – every man in your life will be touched by the principles we explore today.” He gestured expansively, inviting everyone to embrace the journey of understanding that lay ahead.

The idea we’re about to delve into possesses a profound capacity, a transformative potential that ripples outward, impacting countless facets of the lives of men – not just some abstract, far-off figure, but the men right here, right now, the man standing next to you, the man you see every day. Think about it: this concept holds the key to unlocking a hidden power within them, a power that significantly shapes their experience of the world. Consider the consequences when men are deprived of this crucial element, this fundamental ingredient we’re going to dissect today. If they lack it, if it’s missing from their lives, the impact is devastating. They experience an internal crushing, a feeling of being diminished, of being less than they are capable of. It chips away at their confidence, their drive, and their sense of self-worth, leaving them vulnerable and ultimately unfulfilled. Conversely, when they possess this vital component, when it’s thriving within them, the transformation is equally dramatic, but in a completely positive direction. They are no longer internally crushed; instead, they ‘crush it’ externally. They rise to challenges, conquer obstacles, and achieve their goals with a newfound energy and determination. They become empowered and capable of making a real impact on the world around them. They feel secure, and ready to take on whatever life throws their way. “Therefore”, Pastor Eric said, “I want to put forth this proposition to you, a fundamental truth I believe resonates deeply within us all. Think about the fathers, the sons, the husbands, the brothers who populate our lives. These men, these pivotal figures, all share a common, often unspoken need. They require something that holds the immense power to unlock this potential, to transform them from feeling crushed to feeling empowered. And I’d like to propose to you, with all the conviction I can muster, that today, in this moment, we recognize that his need, that fundamental yearning, is the need for respect. Let me be absolutely clear about what I mean by respect. I’m not talking about worship, about blind adoration. This isn’t about demanding constant praise or building a pedestal for men to stand upon. Nor am I advocating for the kind of insatiable ego-stroking that defines a narcissistic personality, a constant need to be the centre of attention. No, the respect I’m referring to is far more nuanced and far more vital. It’s about simple acknowledgment, genuine appreciation, and the recognition of their inherent value as human beings, as contributing members of society, and as individuals with unique skills, talents, and perspectives. It’s about seeing them, hearing them, and valuing them for who they are, not for who we wish they would be. This, I believe, is the key to unlocking their full potential and enabling them to truly thrive.

Read Ephesians 5:25, 33

Let’s delve into the apostle Paul’s profound words to the Ephesians, specifically concerning the roles and responsibilities within marriage, and particularly the expectation placed upon husbands. In Ephesians 5:33, Paul delivers a direct and unambiguous instruction to husbands: “…each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself…” this isn’t a suggestion, a gentle nudge, or a conditional clause based on performance. It’s a ‘must’, a non-negotiable imperative. He emphasizes the inherent responsibility of the husband to cherish and care for his wife with the same devotion and consideration that he naturally extends to himself. This level of self-love translates to understanding her needs, supporting her dreams, and treating her with respect, kindness, and unwavering loyalty. However, Paul doesn’t stop there. He elevates the standard even further, moving from the familiar landscape of self-love to the seemingly unattainable peak of God’s love. In Ephesians 5:25, he doesn’t simply equate marital love with self-love; he elevates it to a Christ-like love. He instructs husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her.” This is where the challenge truly begins.

Loving someone as we love ourselves, while often easier said than done, still operates within a human framework. We understand our own desires, our own fears, our own limitations, but loving someone as Christ loved the Church? That’s a different dimension entirely. It’s a standard that stretches us beyond our comfort zones and demands a radical shift in perspective. We are talking about emulating the very essence of selfless, unconditional love. Jesus, who is the very definition of love, demonstrated it through ultimate sacrifice. How can we, flawed and imperfect beings, even begin to grasp the depth and breadth of that kind of love, let alone embody it? Think about the implications: Christ loved the Church when it was broken, imperfect, and even rebellious. He loved it not because it was deserving, but because of His unwavering grace and commitment. He sacrificed everything – even his own life – for the Church’s salvation and wellbeing. This is the paradigm Paul holds up for husbands to emulate. He doesn’t ask wives to mirror this profound level of sacrifice; rather, he places this weighty responsibility squarely on the shoulders of husbands. Paul’s instruction isn’t merely a romantic ideal; it’s a call to action that demands intentionality and ongoing effort. It’s a call to sacrificial love, a willingness to put the wife’s needs and wellbeing above one’s own. It requires active listening, genuine empathy, and a consistent commitment to growth and understanding within the marriage. It means demonstrating patience during disagreements, offering forgiveness during transgressions, and actively seeking to serve and uplift one’s wife. 

What does it truly mean for a husband to love his wife “like Christ loved the Church”? Paul highlights the concept of sacrificial love. This isn’t just about grand gestures, although those have their place. It’s about the daily, often unnoticed acts of service and devotion that build a foundation of trust and security. It’s about being present, emotionally and physically, and actively participating in the shared journey of life. It means recognizing and valuing her unique gifts and talents, and encouraging her to pursue her passions. It’s about creating a safe space where she feels loved, cherished, and supported, no matter what challenges life throws her way. Husbands are called to love their wives with the same measure, the same unwavering commitment, that Christ demonstrated towards the Church. It’s a daunting task, a lifelong journey, but one that promises profound rewards – a marriage built on the solid foundation of Christ-like love. 

Pastor Eric then directed us back to Ephesians 5:33, a cornerstone verse in understanding marital roles: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself…” The repetition of the word ‘must’ underscores the obligatory nature of this love. It’s not merely preferential, but a divinely mandated responsibility. A husband is not given a choice in the matter; he is obligated, he ‘must’ love his wife with the same dedication and care that he naturally extends to himself. This verse highlights the equal value and importance that should be placed on the wife’s wellbeing within the marriage covenant.

Read John 3:16

Pastor Eric, leaning forward slightly, began his story. “I remember hearing a story from another pastor, that really stuck with me. He recounted a conversation he had with a struggling member of his congregation. The member, troubled and clearly burdened, had approached him seeking guidance, a lifeline in what felt like a personal crisis.” “This man”, Pastor Eric continued, mimicking a hesitant voice, “came up to him one day and confessed, ‘Pastor, I really don’t know what to do. I need your counsel. I’m lost.’ The pastor, a man of deep compassion and years of experience, naturally responded, ‘How can I help you? What’s weighing on your heart?’ The man, after a long, drawn-out sigh, finally spilled his anguish. ‘I don’t know where to start,’ he admitted, ‘but…I don’t love my wife anymore. It’s gone. That’s the truth of it. I don’t feel the gooey feeling anymore. You know, that feeling of butterflies and excitement. I don’t have the goosebumps that I used to have when she walked into a room. I don’t have the fire in me anymore. It’s just…gone. I don’t love my wife anymore.’ “And what the pastor said to this man,” Pastor Eric paused for emphasis, his eyes scanning the sanctuary, “was priceless. It wasn’t some complex theological lecture, or a lengthy psychological analysis. It was something far more profound, something rooted in the very core of what love truly is. The pastor, a man weathered by years of ministry, his face etched with the wisdom of countless shared burdens, simply turned to him and said, in all his wisdom and theological understanding, gleaned from years of walking alongside people through thick and thin: ‘Well then, go home and love your wife’. Think about the simplicity of that,” Pastor Eric emphasized. “No accusations, no condemnation, just a straightforward directive. You don’t love your wife anymore? ‘Well go home and love her’. Right? It’s a radical concept, especially in a world that often equates love with fleeting feelings and superficial gestures. You buy all these coffees to all the ladies at your office, trying to be charming and popular, but how about calling your wife first, the woman you vowed to cherish, to see if she wants one? It’s the small acts of service, the consistent choices to show you care. Go home and love your wife, not because you feel like it, but because you choose to. “Because,” Pastor Eric concluded, his voice resonating with conviction, “we know that love is not just an emotion. It’s not simply a fleeting feeling, a spark that ignites and then fades. It’s an action. It’s a deliberate choice, a commitment to serve, to nurture, to prioritize, to cherish. It’s a verb, not just a noun. It’s the conscious decision to show up, to be present, to choose your spouse every single day, even when the ‘gooey feeling’ is absent. Love is a discipline, a practice, and ultimately, the foundation of a strong and lasting relationship.”

The depth of God’s love for the Church is revealed not just in words, but demonstrably through action, culminating in the ultimate sacrifice of His Son’s death for the Church’s redemption. The cross stands as the paramount testament to this love. John 3:16 declares, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” This verse encapsulates the enormity of God’s selflessness, a willingness to offer the most precious gift imaginable for the sake of humanity. It’s easy to seek validation of God’s love in tangible signs or fleeting assurances, perhaps in a well-meaning message claiming divine origin. However, Pastor Eric wisely points out that the most profound and irrefutable proof of divine love isn’t found in such fleeting encounters. Rather, it is found in the stark reality of the cross. The cross represents Christ’s unwavering commitment to us, His profound empathy for our brokenness, and His relentless pursuit of reconciliation. It speaks of a love so profound that He willingly subjected Himself to the ultimate pain and humiliation, laying down His life to redeem us, to bridge the chasm separating us from Him, and to secure our eternal union with Him. But Pastor Eric extends the understanding of Christ’s love even further, urging us to look beyond the singular act of crucifixion. He proposes that Christ’s love for the Church is not solely defined by His death, but also profoundly manifested in His life. It is not just the end, but the journey itself that reveals the fullness of His love. It’s in His consistent presence with the Church, His unwavering support, His enduring patience as the Church navigates its own imperfections and struggles. His love is evident in His willingness to forgive the Church’s inevitable mistakes, to overlook its shortcomings, and even to tolerate, at times, certain less-than-ideal behaviours within its community. He is patient, not expecting immediate perfection but offering grace and understanding as the Church grows and matures. This enduring patience, this steadfast presence, this forgiving spirit – these are all integral components of the vast and multifaceted love that Christ holds for His Church. It is a love that actively participates in our lives, supporting, guiding, and gently correcting us along the path towards spiritual wholeness.

Read Matthew 26:40-45, Mark 6:30-44, Luke 9:54

The fact that Christ is patient with us is a source of immense comfort and hope. Think about it: He, in His infinite wisdom and power, chose to extend grace to us, imperfect and flawed as we are. This isn’t a fleeting affection, but a steadfast commitment. He didn’t abandon the Church in its infancy, nor in its periods of struggle and misdirection. He remained, a constant presence, a guiding light. He didn’t divorce the Church when faced with its imperfections; He stayed committed, showing us an unwavering example of unconditional love. Consider the Church’s journey to understand His teachings. Jesus patiently repeated His lessons, understanding that true comprehension takes time and repeated exposure. He didn’t become frustrated or dismissive when His message wasn’t grasped. He met them where they were, offering gentle guidance and consistent reinforcement.

Remember the Garden of Gethsemane, the pivotal moment when Jesus asked His disciples to stay awake and pray with Him. They couldn’t fulfill this simple request; they succumbed to sleep during His critical hour. Instead of condemnation, Jesus offered them grace. He understood their human weakness, their fatigue, their inability to fully grasp the weight of the moment. He extended compassion where punishment could have been justified. This wasn’t an excuse for their failings, but rather an acknowledgment of their limitations and a demonstration of forgiveness.

The disciples also struggled with the miraculous, particularly with the logistics of feeding the multitudes. They questioned the possibility, highlighting their perceived lack of resources. They focused on the limitations, forgetting the limitless power of the One standing before them. They even suggested calling down fire from heaven upon those who rejected their message. Imagine! They had the authority to preach the gospel of peace, yet their first inclination was to invoke destruction. How did Jesus respond? With patience. With understanding. He didn’t rebuke them for their lack of misdirected faith or for defending His honour. He stayed with them, guided them through the miracle, and showed them the boundless possibilities when faith is placed in Him. Jesus stayed with them even through their shortcomings. He was patient with them recognizing that growth and understanding are a process, not an instant achievement. The passage beautifully highlights this as an expression of love. It rightly challenges our often-romanticized view of love, the ‘violin, Hollywood music in the background with the fireplace’ imagery. While those moments are enjoyable, true love is far deeper and more enduring. 

How many of us truly understand that a successful marriage is more than just shared romantic moments? It requires a dedicated, conscious effort. It takes more than a cozy woodstove and a romantic violin serenade. It demands active patience. It necessitates the development of profound endurance, the ability to weather storms and persevere through difficulties. Above all, it demands a willingness to forgive, to extend grace even when hurt and disappointment are present, to choose understanding over judgment, and to rebuild bridges instead of burning them down. Marriage, like the relationship between Jesus and the Church, is a journey of constant growth, learning, and forgiveness. It is about staying committed, even when faced with challenges and imperfections, reflecting the enduring love and patience that Christ so freely demonstrates towards us.

Let’s delve deeper into this powerful message about love and respect within marriage, drawing out the implications of Paul’s words in Ephesians and exploring the practical realities of living them out. The passage reminds us of our capacity for forgiveness, the cornerstone of any lasting relationship. It’s easy to hold grudges, to tally up offences, but a truly loving heart, informed by Christ’s example, is ready, time and time again, to extend forgiveness. This isn’t about condoning wrong behaviour, but rather releasing the bitterness that can poison a marriage. Then we come to Paul’s profound, and frankly, daunting, instruction to husbands: “…love your wives, just as Christ loved the church…” This isn’t some sentimental notion; it’s a radical call to sacrificial, selfless love. And Pastor Eric rightly acknowledges the sheer impossibility of achieving this in our own strength. “Husbands, I’m telling you,” he emphasized, “we can’t do this without Christ’s help. No matter how good of a husband we are today, we can’t imitate Christ in that without His help, but He’s going to help us. He is going to help us grow in that.” This is a crucial point. We aren’t meant to strive for this ideal in isolation, relying on our own willpower. Rather, it’s a journey of surrender and dependence on God’s grace, allowing Him to transform our hearts and enable us to love our wives with the same unwavering devotion that Christ has for His Church. Pastor Eric makes it clear that this isn’t about comparative love. It’s not “Love your wife better than Chuck loves his wife.” The standard is far higher, divinely inspired: “Love your wives just as Christ loved the Church.” This sets an immeasurable benchmark, a constant reminder of the depth and breadth of the love we are called to offer. Think about the characteristics of Christ’s love for the Church: unconditional acceptance, unwavering commitment, selfless sacrifice, and constant provision. These are the hallmarks of the love husbands should strive to embody. 

Turning to Ephesians 5:25, Pastor Eric highlighted the reciprocal nature of this divine design. “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” The emphasis is on the word ‘must’. These aren’t suggestions; they are foundational principles. Just as a husband ‘must’ love his wife with a Christ-like love and with the same care and consideration he gives himself, a wife ‘must’ respect her husband. Pastor Eric elaborated on the word ‘respect’, explaining that it also speaks of esteem. You must esteem your husband. You must value your husband. You must respect your husband. It’s cousin to honour.” This isn’t a passive, grudging respect; it’s an active, intentional choice to hold your husband in high regard. It’s about recognizing his inherent worth, acknowledging his strengths, and appreciating his contributions to the marriage and family. It’s about speaking well of him, even in private, and building him up with words of encouragement and affirmation. It’s a daily decision to see him through a lens of appreciation and admiration. The beauty of this passage lies in its balanced approach. It’s not just about one partner giving and the other receiving. It’s about a dynamic interplay of love and respect, where each spouse strives to meet the other’s needs, creating a thriving and fulfilling partnership. When husbands prioritize loving their wives as Christ loves the Church, and wives prioritize respecting their husbands with esteem and honour, the marriage becomes a powerful reflection of God’s love and a testament to the transformative power of His grace. This is not an easy path, but it is a path worth pursuing, one that leads to deeper connection, a greater intimacy, and a more profound understanding of the love that binds us together.

The passage highlights a notable difference in how Scripture addresses husbands and wives, particularly in its choice of words concerning love and respect. Pastor Eric raises an intriguing question: Why does the Bible command husbands to “love your wife” and wives to “respect your husband”, rather than instructing both to simply love one another? What’s the reason behind this apparent imbalance? According to Pastor Eric, this is not an accidental omission but a deliberate, divinely inspired distinction that reflects the unique, God-designed needs of men and women. While Scripture encourages all believers to practice both love and respect in general, this specific instruction speaks to deeper, gender-specific longings. He suggests that just as women deeply long for unconditional love, men have an equally strong, though often less articulated, need for respect. This isn’t about seeking compliments or ego boosts – it’s a fundamental necessity for a man’s wellbeing. He further explained that respect plays a crucial role in a man’s life. It’s not merely affirming; it’s activating. “Men need respect in order to thrive,” he said. Respect drives men to grow, to succeed, and to step into their God-given roles. “They need it to be productive,” he added, pointing out that it provides the internal support that empowers men to invest in their families, work, and community. “They need it to move forward,” he said, stressing that respect provides the confidence and validation necessary for men to overcome obstacles and pursue their goals. Pastor Eric stressed that this need for respect is not arbitrary, but divinely ordained. “It’s how God wired men,” he declared, suggesting that respect is deeply ingrained in a man’s psychological and emotional makeup. To further solidify his argument, he referenced Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of the book ‘Love and Respect’. “Respect is not just what a man wants. It’s what he needs,” Dr. Eggerichs is quoted as saying, echoing Pastor Eric’s central point and reinforcing the idea that respect is a fundamental, non-negotiable requirement for a man’s wellbeing and success. This highlights Pastor Eric’s belief that understanding and fulfilling these distinct needs is crucial for building strong and harmonious relationships. Failure to recognize this difference, Pastor Eric implies, could lead to unmet needs and potential conflict. Therefore, understanding this dynamic is essential for anyone seeking to foster healthy and thriving relationships between men and women.

The power dynamic within a marriage thrives on a delicate balance of needs, a dance where each partner brings unique strengths and vulnerabilities. When a wife consciously respects her husband, it’s more than just a polite gesture; it’s an act of profound affirmation. She speaks life into him, nurturing his potential and fostering his growth. It’s like a fresh breath of air, invigorating him with the confidence to tackle challenges and pursue his aspirations. This respect is not merely passive admiration. It actively empowers him. It gives him the courage to step up and lead, not in a dictatorial way, but with wisdom and empathy. It bolsters his strength to love unconditionally, to be a pillar of support for his family, and to navigate the complexities of life with grace. And crucially, it fuels the boldness he needs to chase his God-given dreams, the aspirations that define his purpose and contributes to his overall wellbeing. He knows he has a partner who believes in him, who sees his potential, and who champions his success. Of course, the need for respect doesn’t negate the inherent human longing for love. Women undeniably need and deserve respect, and men equally yearn for love and affection. To suggest otherwise would be a gross simplification. However, for many men, the primary emotional currency in a marital relationship is respect. While love is undoubtedly vital, the lack of respect can be particularly devastating, chipping away at his sense of worth and undermining his confidence. Based on personal accounts, this tendency often shows up in quiet yet damaging ways. Many men, when asked, express a shared sense of discouragement – a lingering feeling that they are not truly valued or appreciated in their own households. They express this feeling with variations of the same heartbreaking phrase: “At work, I’m a hero, but at home, I’m a zero.” They find validation and appreciation in their professional lives and among their friends, yet they feel diminished and unacknowledged by the very person who should be their greatest ally. They articulate a longing for acknowledgement, a desire to be seen for their strengths and appreciated for their contributions. These men feel that while their work, their leadership, and their influence are valued outside the home, within the walls of their own dwelling, they are constantly confronted with their perceived shortcomings. “They value my work, they value my leadership, they value my influence, but at home I’m always reminded of my faults. I’m always reminded of what I can’t do,” they confess, highlighting the erosion of their self-esteem. The constant reminders of their imperfections, however well-intentioned, can slowly erode their confidence and leave them feeling inadequate. And sometimes, adding insult to injury, the wife inadvertently compares him to others, holding up idealized versions of masculinity as a benchmark he can never reach. “Why aren’t you more like Roger or Bill?” she might ask, a question laden with unspoken expectations and a subtle implication of failure. This comparison, even if meant to be motivating, can be profoundly damaging, reinforcing his feelings of inadequacy and driving a wedge between him and his wife. Ultimately, a marriage thrives not on constant critique but on mutual encouragement, understanding, and a shared commitment to growth. The key is to build each other up, not tear each other down.

Here’s what happens when a man is respected:

1 – Instead of being crushed internally, the man in your life will crush it externally.

Read Proverbs 31:23

“So, what truly happens when a man feels respected, truly respected, not just given lip service, but genuinely valued for his contributions, his character, his efforts?”, Pastor Eric said. “Well, the transformation can be profound. First”, he emphasized, holding up a finger, “instead of being crushed internally by doubt or a sense of failure, he will channel that energy outward. He will ‘crush it’ externally. What do I mean by that? I mean he’ll tackle challenges head-on; he’ll pursue his goals with vigor; he’ll overcome obstacles with resilience. The internal fortitude fostered by respect allows him to face the world with confidence.” He then adjusted his glasses and leaned slightly forward. “When a man feels truly respected, esteemed for who he is and what he does, he will excel. He will excel in every aspect of his life. It’s not about arrogance or boasting, but about unlocking his God-given potential. His work ethic improves, his creativity flourishes, his relationships deepen, his leadership strengthens. It’s like a dormant seed finally receiving the water and sunlight it needs to sprout and grow into something magnificent.”

Pastor Eric then quoted a well-worn phrase he clearly held dear. “As one preacher so eloquently said, ‘When a man feels honoured and respected, he will move mountains for those he loves.’ Think about that. He’ll be unstoppable, driven by a deep-seated desire to provide, protect, and cherish those under his care. But”, he cautioned, his tone shifting slightly, “when he’s not respected, when he’s constantly belittled, undermined, or treated with disdain, he will be crushed on the inside. That spirit breaks, that fire dims, and the potential within him withers. It’s not about demanding respect; it’s about creating an environment where respect naturally thrives.” He transitioned to a different point, his voice regaining its warmth. “Now, let’s turn to Proverbs 31, a chapter often discussed when we talk about the ideal woman, the ideal wife. We read the description of a woman who fears the Lord. She is described as an honourable wife, an excellent wife. Again, big shoes to fill today, aren’t they? Absolutely! These are good standards to aspire to, guiding principles for a godly life, but it’s hard to get there alone, isn’t it? We all stumble, we all fall short. And that’s where grace comes in, and that’s where we need God’s help. We need His guidance and strength to navigate the complexities of marriage and relationships. And what do we learn from her? We learn that she respected her husband, not just behind closed doors, but openly and proudly at home and in public. She believed in him, supported him, and valued his contributions. And look at the results, look at the fruit of that respect! Proverbs 31:23 says, ‘Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.’ This is what happens when a man is in a home, a marriage, where he is respected, where he feels valued and appreciated. The city gate back in those days wasn’t just a physical entrance to the city; it was a location for gathering, for commerce, for dispensing justice, and for dealing with important legal matters. To be respected at the city gate meant he was held in high esteem by the entire community, respected for his wisdom, his integrity, and his leadership. And a significant part of that respect was directly linked to the respect he received at home.” Pastor Eric paused, letting the weight of the verse sink in. “Respect, my brothers and sisters, is not a one-way street. It’s a cycle, a reciprocal exchange that strengthens both individuals and the community around them.”

“The heart of any community, the place where true progress is forged, is often the space where significant conversations unfold and leaders gather to shape the future. This particular verse, however, shines a spotlight on a less often discussed but equally powerful element: the transformative potential of a woman’s respect towards her husband. It’s a concept I’ve touched upon before when I was referring to Craig Groeschel’s insightful series on honour. He explored the fundamental importance of honouring one another, emphasizing the need for the Church culture to actively cultivate a spirit of respect and esteem. Craig Groeschel delved specifically into the dynamic of marriage, particularly the role of wives in honouring their husbands. After one such sermon, a woman approached Craig’s wife, questioning her on the seemingly effortless nature of honouring a man like Craig, a figure so visibly worthy of respect. The woman then confessed her own struggles, lamenting that her husband, in her eyes, lacked the qualities that would naturally inspire honour. She posed a deeply personal and profoundly relevant question: “How can I honour an unhonourable man?” Craig’s wife responded with a wisdom born from experience and a deep understanding of the power of intentional action. She explained that she had always made a conscious decision to honour her husband, even before his widespread recognition and influence. And then, she offered a profound insight: ‘Perhaps he became an honourable man because I have always shown him honour.’ This brings us to a critical question for each of us to ponder: what ripple effect would be created if we intentionally began to honour our husbands? What if we actively sought out the good qualities, the hidden strengths, and the potential for growth within them, and reflected that belief back to them through our words and actions? But the application doesn’t stop there. Consider the broader implications. What would happen if we extended this same principle of intentional honour to our brothers and sisters, to our colleagues, to every member of our community? Imagine the transformative power of consistently looking for the best in others, of acknowledging their inherent worth and potential, of creating an atmosphere where respect is the default and kindness is the norm. New Beginning Church, an already vibrant and loving community, could reach entirely new heights. We see glimpses of this culture of honour already, but what if we collectively and intentionally amplified it, elevating it to an entirely different degree? What if every conversation, every service, was infused with a spirit of genuine respect and unwavering honour? “I believe”, Pastor Eric continued, “that if we commit to cultivating a true culture of respect and honour, within our marriages, within our families, and within this Church community, the sky would truly be the limit. The potential for growth, for healing, for positive impact, would be boundless. We would unlock a level of unity and purpose that could transform not only our individual lives, but the very fabric of our community and beyond.”

“Let’s delve deeper into the transformative power of respect within the family structure, specifically focusing on the father-child dynamic”, Pastor Eric said. “I believe that within many individuals, there lies untapped potential, waiting for the right catalyst to be unleashed. The question is, are we courageous enough to explore this possibility? I propose that respect, particularly the respect shown to a father by his children, can act as that catalyst. Consider the ripple effect that genuine respect can generate. If sons and daughters actively demonstrate respect towards their father, who knows the profound and lasting impact it will have, not only on him, but on the entire family unit and even the wider community? When children respect their father, he gains a sense of honour and validation within the community. This newfound status allows him to flourish in his role as a father, a husband, and a member of society. He feels seen, appreciated, and valued, which in turn motivates him to strive for even greater heights. This motivation isn’t confined solely to his paternal duties. He’ll be motivated to be a better husband, showering his wife with increased love and attention. He’ll strive to be a better leader, guiding his family and others with wisdom and compassion. He’ll become a better friend, offering unwavering support and loyalty. He’ll transform into a better brother, strengthening familial bonds and providing guidance to his siblings. This surge of positive energy will naturally encourage him to take initiative, to actively seek out opportunities to improve himself and the lives of those around him. Perhaps most importantly, he’ll be a better man of God, living his life with integrity and purpose, seeking to embody the virtues he believes in. When sons and daughters show genuine respect to their father, he’ll feel empowered and driven to move mountains for them. He’s going to crush it – overcome obstacles, provide unwavering support, and champion their success. He’ll become their fiercest advocate and their most reliable source of strength. As Dr. James C. Dobson, the esteemed founder of Focus on the Family, wisely observed, “The difference between a man who feels respected at home and one who doesn’t, is the difference between the one who thrives and the one who merely survives.” This statement encapsulates the profound impact of respect on a man’s wellbeing and his capacity to flourish. Respect acts as fuel for a man’s confidence, solidifies his role within the family and society, and enhances his ability to love well, not just his children but everyone in his life. This is of paramount importance. It’s a foundational element for a healthy and thriving family. Furthermore, when sons feel respected, their own self-esteem will be significantly boosted. They will develop a strong sense of self-worth and confidence in their abilities. This internal validation will act as a shield against negative influences, preventing them from seeking validation and excitement in destructive or harmful activities. They won’t feel the need to ‘get into other stuff’ – engaging in risky behaviours or seeking out negative attention – because they already feel secure and valued within their family. Their self-esteem, nurtured by the respect they receive, will guide them toward healthy choices and a positive path in life. In essence, respect breeds respect, creating a virtuous cycle of positive growth and development within the entire family structure.”

The pursuit of a life characterized by honour and integrity is a noble aspiration, one that ripples outwards, impacting not only the individual but also his or her family, community, and the wider world. As Pastor Eric spoke, his voice resonated with conviction, a deep understanding gleaned from years of observation and experience. “Listen”, he emphasized, his eyes earnest and penetrating. “Too many men are walking wounded, burdened by poor self-esteem or, tragically, a complete lack of self-worth and confidence. This deficiency often stems from a fundamental lack of respect, a void that can be traced back to the very foundations of their being – their homes.” He paused, allowing the weight of his words to settle. “Consider the formative years, the crucial period of childhood. Were these men respected then? Were their voices heard, their opinions valued, their efforts acknowledged? For many, the answer is a heartbreaking no. This lack of childhood validation can leave deep scars, festering wounds that cripple their ability to navigate the complexities of adulthood with resilience and assurance.” Pastor Eric’s gaze swept across the room, encompassing the implicit promise held within families and communities. “And I believe that when a family, especially a Church family bound by shared faith and values, and perhaps more importantly, when a couple, a marriage built on love and understanding, truly grasp the significance of this, something transformative occurs. When they truly understand the need for respect and actively cultivate it within their relationship, the men in their lives will become unstoppable.” He elaborated, his voice rising with enthusiasm. “Instead of being crushed internally by self-doubt, by the constant nagging feeling of inadequacy, they will be liberated. They will be free to channel their energies outwards, to embrace challenges, to pursue their passions, and to ‘crush it’ externally. They will face the world with confidence, armed with the knowledge that they are valued, respected, and supported.” He wasn’t finished, his train of thought continuing with palpable excitement. “Something else, something equally profound, will happen when the men around you are consistently respected. They will, in turn, become more respectful. They will become better fathers, better husbands, better friends, better members of the community. The cycle of negativity will be broken, replaced by a virtuous circle of mutual respect, understanding, and genuine appreciation. The ripple effect will be immense, creating a more harmonious and supportive environment for everyone involved. This isn’t just about boosting egos; it’s about unlocking potential, fostering growth, and building a better future for all.” 

2 – He will crush it externally in his marriage.

The impact of respect within a marriage is a subject of significant discussion and, according to studies, a critical component of a man’s marital satisfaction. Research consistently points to a correlation: men who feel genuinely respected by their wives report higher levels of happiness and fulfillment within the marital relationship. Why is this feeling of being respected so potent? The potential for a marriage to flourish skyrockets when a husband feels respected because it profoundly impacts his desire to invest in the relationship. When a man perceives that his contributions, opinions, and character are valued by his wife, he is naturally inclined to reciprocate that validation. This leads to a greater willingness to spend quality time together, fostering deeper intimacy and connection. He’s not just physically present; he’s emotionally engaged.

“To gain a more profound understanding of the male mind and how it processes information”, Pastor Eric said, “I would highly recommend reading the book, ‘Men are Waffles and Women are Spaghetti.’ This analogy, while simplistic, offers a compelling framework for understanding the different ways men and women approach problem-solving and emotional processing. As the book explains, a waffle has distinct compartments, each separate and self-contained. These squares represent different aspects of a man’s life: his career, his friendships, his hobbies, his family, and so on. Within each of these ‘boxes’, a man tends to think linearly, focusing on one issue at a time and striving to achieve a sense of competence and mastery. The goal is often to ‘get to the bottom of the box’, meaning to resolve the issue, complete the task, or achieve the desired outcome within that specific area. However, and this is crucial, if a man feels truly valued, respected, and appreciated within that particular box – if his efforts in his career are acknowledged, his contributions to the family are celebrated, or his friendships are supported – something remarkable happens. He doesn’t just solve the problem and move on. He’s far more likely to ‘camp’ in that box. He remains in that area of his life, nurturing it, and wanting to continually engage with it because it provides him with a sense of purpose, validation, and emotional security. This translates into him prioritizing the source of that respect, which in this context, is his marriage and his wife. He will invest his time, energy, and emotional resources into maintaining and strengthening the bond, leading to a more fulfilling and enduring relationship. If the marriage is one of the boxes, and he feels respect within it, he will want to stay there.

The fundamental drive within each of us, regardless of gender, is a desire to feel valued and competent. When individuals find themselves in environments where they excel, where their contributions are recognized and appreciated, they tend to flourish. This sense of worth fuels a positive cycle. They enjoy their work, derive satisfaction from their achievements, and consequently, they remain committed to their roles. Conversely, the experience of incompetence is deeply unsettling. If someone struggles to perform well in their job, if he consistently falls short of expectations, he will naturally seek to escape that feeling of inadequacy. He is eager to leave that ‘box’ of professional frustration as quickly as possible, counting down the minutes until he can clock out and distance himself from the source of his discontent. The metaphorical ‘box’ represents a confined space of experience, a domain where one’s sense of self is either affirmed or diminished.”

“Now, consider the dynamics of a marriage”, Pastor Eric continued. “Just as in the workplace, the desire for validation and connection plays a crucial role. If a man feels unable to communicate effectively with his wife, if attempts at connection are met with misunderstanding or conflict, he may retreat from the ‘box’ of marital intimacy. If the home environment becomes a constant reminder of perceived failures, if he feels perpetually nagged or criticized, he will instinctively seek refuge elsewhere. He might immerse himself in his work, finding solace in professional achievements. He might dedicate himself to sports, deriving satisfaction from physical prowess and camaraderie. He might spend more time with friends, finding validation and support in those relationships. The pull of these external ‘boxes’ is strong because they offer a reprieve from the perceived shortcomings in the home environment. He seeks places where he feels understood, respected, and capable. It’s crucial to underscore that this is not an excuse for problematic behaviour. Retreating into other areas of life is not a solution to marital discord, but rather a symptom of underlying issues. Understanding the motivation behind these bahaviours, however, can be a vital first step towards addressing the root causes of the disconnection.”

Pastor Eric then introduced the analogy of spaghetti to further illustrate a perceived difference in how men and women process and navigate conversations and emotional experiences. Why did the book compare women to spaghetti? It’s because women’s thoughts and feelings are interconnected, like stands of spaghetti intertwined on a plate. Events that occur early in the day can have a ripple effect, influencing their mood and behaviour throughout the evening. The experiences are not isolated incidents but rather a continuous flow, each strand affecting the whole. In contrast, men are presented as operating within distinct, compartmentalized ‘boxes’. Conversation #1 is separate and contained from Conversation #2, which in turn is separate from Conversation #3. Each conversation is treated as a separate event, with the man able to move from one to the next without the previous conversation necessarily influencing the current one. However, with women, Pastor Eric says, a conversation started in the morning (Conversation #1) can bleed into subsequent conversations (Conversations #2, #3…#10), creating a mixture of thoughts and feelings originating from the initial interaction. The implication is that women have a more holistic and interconnected way of processing information and emotions, while men are more inclined to compartmentalize their experiences. The different boxes become less distinct and blend together, similar to strands of spaghetti mixing together on a plate. See, it’s all interconnected. The fundamental point, the core truth we keep bumping into, is that men and women are wired differently. Now, some people don’t like hearing that, but it’s crucial to understand because this difference is where everything starts, and especially where things can get thorny in marriage.

“Let’s really unpack this respect thing”, Pastor Eric declared. “When a man feels genuinely respected, it has a profound impact. He’s not just going to tolerate his marriage; he’s going to actively want to be in it. He’s going to want to cultivate it, nurture it. We can imagine his sense of security, and how he wants to remain there. This feeling is incredibly powerful. Think of it like this: he’s going to want to ‘camp in that box’, as I said before. He’s going to want to stay in that emotionally secure and respected space. He’s going to feel such a strong sense of loyalty and commitment that he’d ‘die for that box’. He’s not literally talking about sacrificing himself, but he is talking about being willing to put in the hard work, to fight for the relationship, to protect the family unit. He’s going to give his 100%, his absolute best effort, to maintain that feeling of respect and appreciation. He’s deeply motivated, fuelled by the positive reinforcement. Think about it outside of marriage too. Do you know what happens when you tell a little boy he has a nice shirt? Maybe he’s proud of his new superhero t-shirt, and you tell him it looks great. What happens? He’s going to wear it every single day! He might even sleep in it! Why? Because he received positive feedback. He felt validated, appreciated. The principle is simple: what gets rewarded gets repeated. Human nature is to gravitate towards things that make us feel good, that affirm our sense of worth. He’s going to do it over and over again, seeking that validation again. Now, bring it back to the marital context. When a man is respected, truly respected and valued by his wife, he is naturally going to want to be with his wife and children. He’s drawn to the environment where he feels appreciated, where his contributions are acknowledged. He craves that connection. Like I said, and let me be crystal clear here, I’m not saying this is an excuse for why some men don’t spend time with their children or neglect their wives. It’s absolutely not an excuse. Every man has a responsibility to be present and engaged. I’m not saying that respect will fix a man who is not willing to be a good partner and father. I’m not saying that at all. I’m just saying that genuine respect makes fulfilling those responsibilities significantly easier. It smooths the path, removes a barrier. We ‘must’ love our wives; there’s no question about that. And we ‘must’ respect our husbands. Those are non-negotiable pillars of a healthy marriage, but a man that is respected will want to be there more. He’s going to want to engage, to be involved, to contribute. He’s going to want to communicate with you more openly and honestly. It fosters a positive cycle of connection and commitment.”

Let’s delve deeper into why a husband might be hesitant to open up emotionally and explore the dynamics at play within a marriage. When a husband feels respected, truly valued for his contributions and appreciated for his efforts, he’s more likely to share his inner world, even the potentially messy parts. Think about it this way: if something significant happened at work, and he feels comfortable and safe, he’s more inclined to share the emotional weight of the situations with you. He might describe the challenges he faced, the anxieties he experienced, or even the successes he celebrated. He’ll be more willing to shed the stoic façade and reveal how the day’s events impacted him personally. This kind of vulnerability is often what wives crave, that connection on a deeper, emotional level. Many wives express frustration, lamenting, ‘He just can’t share his feelings. He keeps everything bottled up. He won’t open up to me.’ However, this reluctance isn’t necessarily inherent in the man. It’s often a learned behaviour, a protective mechanism developed in response to past interactions. As Pastor Eric suggests, respect is the fertile ground where a man’s heart can truly flourish. It’s the environment where he feels safe enough to let down his guard, to be vulnerable, honest, and fully present. Without that foundation of respect, he might feel exposed, judged, or even attacked. Imagine a man continually facing criticism or feeling like his efforts are never enough. He might become withdrawn, hesitant to share anything that could potentially be used against him. He might build walls around his emotions, not because he doesn’t feel, but because he’s afraid of the consequences of sharing those feelings. Pastor Eric emphasized that it’s not about demonizing wives. The intention isn’t to paint them as villains. Instead, it’s about fostering self-reflection and understanding. 

Consider the scenario many wives have described: “Why doesn’t my husband open up more?” Pastor Eric brought up a crucial point: “Maybe, the last time he opened up to you, you exploded, or you nagged at him, or you reminded him of his faults, and five years later you are still reminding him.” Think about the impact of that kind of interaction. If, after sharing a vulnerable moment, he was met with harsh criticism, nagging, or a relentless barrage of past mistakes, he’s likely to associate vulnerability with pain and negativity. He learns that opening up is not a safe or rewarding experience. The memory of that negative experience can linger for years, creating a deep-seated fear of repeating it. Therefore, it’s crucial to cultivate a safe and supportive environment where vulnerability is welcomed, not punished. It’s about creating a space where he feels understood, accepted, and valued, even when he’s not perfect. Perhaps he’s not opening up because he anticipates the potential for another ‘explosion’, another wave of criticism, another reminder of his shortcomings. He’s learned to associate sharing his feeling with pain, and understandably, he’s trying to avoid that pain. The key is to break that cycle by fostering a climate of respect and genuine appreciation for his efforts and his emotional wellbeing. It’s about creating a relationship where vulnerability is seen as a strength, not a weakness, and where sharing feelings leads to deeper connection, not painful repercussions.

Pastor Eric highlighted a critical disconnect in communication and the potential for parental missteps. It begins by pointing out a common, yet often overlooked, reason why sons might be hesitant to confide in their parents. Think about it: a son, gathering courage, finally decides to share something vulnerable with one of his parents. He opens up about a struggle, a fear, or a mistake, but instead of receiving empathy or support, he’s met with anger, judgment, or dismissal – an ‘explosion’. The effect is immediate and devastating. The son learns, in that very moment, that vulnerability is not safe with his parents. The message received is: “Sharing my feelings leads to negative consequences.” Is it any wonder, then, that he retreats, builds walls and begins to conceal his thoughts and experiences? It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The father (or mother) wonders why his son doesn’t trust him, completely unaware that he has inadvertently trained his son not to. It’s a tragic cycle of misunderstanding.

Pastor Eric then introduced the perspective of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his research on marital dynamics. He says that a man’s deepest need is to feel respected by those closest to him, particularly his wife. He frames respect as the ‘key that unlocks his heart’. This isn’t about ego or demanding subservience; it’s about recognition, appreciation, and value. A man thrives when he feels that his efforts, his opinions, and his very being are regarded with respect and admiration by the woman he loves. When that respect is absent, it can erode his sense of self-worth and lead to resentment and disengagement. Dr. Eggerichs further describes the “crazy cycle” that can plague a marriage stuck in a rut. It’s a downward spiral where the husband, feeling unrespected, acts in an unloving way toward his wife. Perhaps he becomes distant, critical, or withdrawn. This, in turn, triggers the wife, who feeling unloved, reacts with disrespect. She might nag, criticize, or become emotionally unavailable. The cycle then intensifies. He feels even less respected because of her perceived disrespect, leading him to become even less loving. And she feels even less loved because of his perceived lack of affection, causing her to become even more disrespectful. It becomes a vicious, self-perpetuating pattern, fuelled by unmet needs and misinterpreted actions. At the heart of this cycle lies a fundamental difference in perceived needs. According to Dr. Eggerichs, a woman’s primary need is to feel unconditionally loved, while a man’s primary need is to feel respected. When these needs are unmet, the stage is set for conflict. When a wife feels unloved, she may interpret her husband’s actions as dismissive or uncaring, leading her to respond disrespectfully, perhaps through criticism or belittling comments. Conversely, when a husband feels disrespected, he may interpret his wife’s actions as devaluing or controlling, leading him to respond unlovingly, perhaps through withdrawal or passive-aggression. The core problem isn’t necessarily malice; it’s a failure to understand and meet each other’s fundamental emotional needs. They are speaking different emotional languages, and the result is escalating conflict and a deepening divide. To break this “crazy cycle”, both partners need to become aware of their own needs, understand their partner’s needs, and commit to communicating and behaving in ways that fulfill those needs. This requires vulnerability, empathy, and a willingness to challenge ingrained patterns of behaviour. Dr. Eggerichs also stated, “A man’s highest need is to feel respected for who he is. A woman’s highest need is to feel loved for who she is. When these needs are met, the crazy cycle of conflict is broken, and the relationship can flourish.” 

3 – He will “crush it” in his parenting.

The third, and perhaps most impactful consequence of honouring, esteeming, and respecting a man – be he a brother, father, son, or husband – manifests powerfully in his approach to parenting. When a man feels genuinely valued and respected within his family unit and wider community, it profoundly reshapes his engagement with his children, fostering a deeper connection and a more purposeful commitment to their wellbeing. Consider the father who feels the sincere respect of his children. This man is not looking for excuses to be elsewhere. He doesn’t yearn to flee the responsibilities and challenges of family life, nor does he see the home as a place he must endure rather than embrace. Instead, he actively seeks out time with his family. He isn’t driven by a reluctant sense of duty, but by a genuine desire to be present and connected. While the love for our children is often an intrinsic feeling, respect acts as a catalyst, transforming that love into tangible action. He becomes motivated to be more present, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. He is driven to provide, not just materially, but also with guidance, support, and encouragement. He dedicates himself to nurturing his children’s growth, fostering their individual talents and helping them navigate the complexities of life. Respect, in essence, empowers him to step fully into the role of a strong and reliable leader within his family, guiding them with wisdom and compassion. He isn’t dictating from a position of dominance, but leading with empathy and understanding, creating a safe and supportive environment where everyone can thrive. This ripple effect of this respectful dynamic extends beyond the immediate family. Consider the sons who witness their father being treated with respect. They learn, through direct observation, what it means to live an honourable life. They gain a powerful model of responsible adulthood, seeing firsthand how a man should conduct himself with integrity, kindness, and a commitment to his family. This internalized understanding shapes their own aspirations and behaviours, influencing the kind of men they will become. The cycle of respect, thus, perpetuates itself, shaping future generations. What if we consciously shifted our societal and familial dynamics to prioritize respecting the men around us? What untapped potential lies dormant, waiting to be awakened by the simple act of genuine appreciation and regard? We often overlook the vulnerability that lies beneath the surface, the longing for recognition and validation. For many men, respect is a fundamental need, a cornerstone upon which they build their self-worth and sense of purpose. This need isn’t about ego; it’s about feeling seen, heard, and valued for the contributions they make and the roles they fulfill.

“In essence, I’ve shared a secret, a key to unlocking a man’s full potential as a father, husband, and member of the community”, Pastor Eric declared. “It’s a secret that costs nothing to implement, yet yields immeasurable returns. By consciously choosing to offer respect, we empower men to rise to their best selves, fostering stronger families, healthier communities, and a more equitable and compassionate world for everyone.”

4 – He will crush it in his walk with God.

Read 1 Peter 3:1 and Romans 10:14

Pastor Eric’s statement sparked a thought-provoking discussion about the role and influence of women, particularly within the context of faith and family. He began by asserting, with conviction, that “women, especially moms, sisters and wives, are powerful influencers. They truly are.” His tone suggested a deep respect and admiration, almost a sense of awe, as he confessed, “I don’t know what it is. I really don’t know. Women have this power oven men.” To illustrate this point, Pastor Eric then turned to a familiar story: the story of Adam and Eve. “Eve gave the fruit to Adam, and Adam said ‘Okay’ and ate it. No questions asked.” Pastor Eric used the Genesis story to highlight the perceived power of female persuasion and influence. He wasn’t necessarily suggesting blame, but rather drawing attention to what he saw as a profound dynamic between men and women. Expanding on this idea, he explained why New Beginning Church celebrated the contributions of godly women. “That is why, at NBC, we believe that women can do something in the church, because there is power in the women’s influence, in their home and also in the church.” He seemed to be advocating for female empowerment within the religious setting, arguing that their influence wasn’t confined to the domestic sphere but could be a valuable asset to the church community.

To further bolster his argument and provide a theological framework, Pastor Eric then referenced the New Testament, specifically 1 Peter 3:1. “Listen to what Peter, the apostle, says in 1 Peter 3:1. This is how powerful the influence of a woman is. First Peter 3:1 states, “Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.” Recognizing the potential for misinterpretation and sensitivity surrounding the verse, Pastor Eric anticipated potential objections. “What is he saying here? He said a word that some of you got triggered by, the word, ‘submit’. Usually, that word gets misunderstood, especially in today’s culture.” The concept of ‘submission’ isn’t about dominance or oppressive control, but rather a profound agreement rooted in honour, trust, humility, and cooperation. It’s a partnership built on shared purpose and mutual respect. As Elisabeth Elliot, a renowned missionary, eloquently stated, “Submission is not about being beneath someone. It’s about being willingly yielding in love the way Christ yielded to the Father. A wife’s respect is a reflection of her honour for God’s design.” This yielding, this willing participation, isn’t a sign of weakness, but a demonstration of strength and commitment to a shared ideal. Furthermore, submission, in this context, is closely tied to the concept of shared mission. It fundamentally means, “I will be under the same mission of my husband, and he, under mine.” Think of it as aligning your sails to catch the same wind, steering your ship towards the same destination. To truly understand this, we must grasp the destructive power of division. What is a division, after all? It’s far more than simply having disparate opinions; it’s the fracturing of a shared vision. Imagine a scenario: I have a vision for this, while you have a vision for that. The inevitable outcome? A division, a separation in purpose and direction. However, the beauty of a unified relationship emerges when both individuals embrace the same overarching vision. When we share the same vision, we stand together, shoulder to shoulder, fulfilling that unified purpose. We achieve unity. When a couple operates without a shared vision, when their desires and goals pull them in opposite directions, they inevitably encounter division. Friction arises, and the potential for conflict escalates. Therefore, submission truly means embracing a shared vision, declaring, “I will be under the same vision.” It’s a commitment to unity, a promise that “the two will become one.” “We are not going to fight over visions”, because “we are going to have the same vision.” This unified vision isn’t something conjured up individually and then imposed upon the other. It’s a result of prayerful consideration, open communication, and a willingness to trust in God. “We will trust God for the vision of our family and our marriage,” seeking divine guidance to illuminate the path forward. And when challenges arise, as they inevitably will, “we are going to fight together,” not against each other, but against the obstacles that threaten their shared purpose. Ultimately, this understanding of submission fosters a relationship built on equality. Both individuals are valued, respected, and acknowledged as integral parts of the whole. It’s a partnership where each person’s strengths complement the other’s weaknesses, creating a dynamic and resilient bond capable of weathering any storm. 

This is a submission that liberates, not confines, empowering both individuals to achieve their full potential within the context of a shared, God-given vision. It’s important to clarify that this is not about promoting inequality or male dominance. At its core, the argument recognizes that while men and women are equal in value and dignity, they are uniquely designed – each with differing emotional makeups and relational needs. These distinctions aren’t about superiority or inferiority, but about the richness of complementary differences. Pastor Eric underscores that submission, in the biblical sense, is never to be forced. Instead, it is a voluntary, personal decision – a willing response grounded in love and mutual respect. This mirrors the relationship between Christ and humanity. Jesus never demands submission through control or intimidation. He invites it through love, grace, and sacrificial service. In this way, true submission reflects the character of Christ, marked by humility, not hierarchy; by service, not subjugation.

This understanding of submission is then applied to a specific context – marriages where only one spouse is a believer. Pastor Eric points to Peter’s instruction that a believing wife’s respectful and pure conduct can have a profound spiritual influence on her unbelieving husband, often more powerfully than direct verbal persuasion. For a preacher who depends on the spoken word, this is a challenging idea. Pastor Eric acknowledges the critical role of preaching. Scripture teaches that faith comes by hearing the Word of God. Words are essential in evangelism – after all, how can anyone respond to the gospel without first hearing it? Yet Peter’s words suggest there are moments when actions can penetrate where speech cannot – especially within the intimacy and complexity of marriage. 

There are seasons for speaking and seasons for showing. In the case of the unbelieving spouse, it may be a wife’s Christ-like example – seen in her consistent respect, moral integrity, and quiet strength – that softens the heart more effectively than words ever could. This isn’t about silence or denial of faith, but about embodying the gospel in a way that invites curiosity and reflection. It’s about letting love lead. A wife who consistently models honour and purity presents a credible and compelling expression of her faith. This kind of witness doesn’t require perfection, but it does require authenticity – a daily commitment to walk in alignment with the values of Christ. In essence, the passage offers a vision of submission not as weakness, but as powerful witness. When practiced in the spirit of humility, love, and faith, it becomes a living testimony. Actions rooted in the gospel can open hearts, sometimes more deeply than even the most eloquent sermon. Pastor Eric affirms that while proclamation is vital, transformation often begins when the gospel is seen, not just heard. This gentle tension between speaking and living reflects the full beauty of Christian witness – truth proclaimed and truth embodied.

“Friends, I want to leave you with this thought, and I implore you today to truly trust God in your marriage, to trust Him explicitly in this area of your life. This isn’t just a platitude; it’s a lifeline. Start actively demonstrating respect to your husband. I believe that demonstrating respect can unlock a change of heart in your spouse. Perhaps there’s someone listening right now who needs to consciously stop using certain words, those sharp, cutting words, and instead, focus on exhibiting genuine respect through your actions, through your tone, through your attentiveness.

Now, this is a crucial question we need to confront. What do you do? What is your response when you find yourself in a relationship with someone who consistently fails to show you respect? This isn’t limited to marriage. What action do you take when your children blatantly disrespect you, ignoring your boundaries and your requests? How do you navigate the situation when your sister, a close member of your family, habitually dismisses your opinions and belittles your feelings? And, perhaps most painfully, what course of action do you take when your wife, the woman you pledged your life to, or your best friend, the person you confide in and rely on, repeatedly demonstrates a lack of respect for you and your values? These are all complex situations, and I believe there is guidance in Scripture. Think about King David. There’s a powerful moment in King David’s life that perfectly illustrates this principle. David had just achieved a tremendous, truly awe-inspiring victory. Remember the Ark of the Lord? It had been taken captive by the Philistines for many, many years, a symbol of God’s presence stolen away. It had been shuffled from place to place, enduring a long and difficult journey. It was finally being brought back, returning to its rightful place. There is a whole history surrounding the Ark of the Lord, a rich tapestry of stories and significance. The Ark of the Lord represents nothing less than the very presence of God, the unwavering protection of God, and the abundant provision of God. Remember, there are times in the Scriptures where we read that the Ark of the Lord resided at someone’s house, and because the Ark was present in that dwelling, a tangible blessing, a palpable sense of peace and prosperity, flowed into every aspect of that household.” When it resided in the wrong hands, or rather, the wrong household, it brought a curse, a tangible consequence of disrespecting its sacred nature. The people of the time, though perhaps viewed as acting superstitiously in our modern eyes, possessed a deeply ingrained core belief: that the absence of the Ark equated to vulnerability, to the looming threat of defeat and loss. They understood that without this tangible representation of God’s promise, their strength and their favour would wane. Therefore, when the Ark was absent, when circumstances dictated its removal, a profound sense of mourning gripped the community. They didn’t simply miss a religious relic; they grieved the perceived absence of God Himself. They cried out in collective lament, their voices rising in supplication, pleading with God to return the Ark, to restore the physical manifestation of the covenant and the reassurance of His divine presence amongst them. The Ark wasn’t just an object; it was the anchor of their faith, the guarantee of their connection to God.

Read 2 Samuel 6:16

Later in the narrative, we find David yearning to restore the Ark to its rightful place. He envisioned a grand procession, a triumphant return to Jerusalem, the newly established capital, aptly named the City of David. This wasn’t merely a logistical relocation; it was a deeply spiritual undertaking, a desire to solidify Jerusalem as the centre of worship and to reinstate the Ark as the heart of their national identity. The dream came to fruition. David successfully retrieved the Ark and initiated its journey to Jerusalem. The air crackled with excitement an anticipation. David, a man after God’s own heart, let the procession with unrestrained joy. He wasn’t a stoic monarch observing a solemn ritual; he was a believer, overwhelmed with the weight of God’s favour, expressing his gratitude through unrestrained, almost childlike abandon. He rejoiced, he celebrated, and most notably, he danced – a physical manifestation of the spiritual ecstasy he felt. The Scriptures vividly capture this moment in 2 Samuel 6:16. “As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal, daughter of Saul, watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.” Pause for a moment and consider the stark contrast presented in this verse. The entire nation is caught up in the fervour of religious devotion, their hearts overflowing with joy at the return of the Ark, the symbol of God’s covenant. Yet, from the secluded vantage point of a window, Michal, David’s wife and daughter of the former King Saul, observes the scene with cold detachment. Her heart, instead of being filled with joy and piety, is consumed by contempt. She doesn’t see a king leading his people in worship; she sees a man behaving undignifiedly, perhaps even foolishly. 

Let’s unpack the profound lesson embedded in David’s experience, a lesson that resonates deeply in our modern relationships. The passage highlights a heartbreaking disconnect, a chasm between David’s monumental triumph and his wife’s utter lack of appreciation, even outright contempt. Imagine the scene: David, fresh from a hard-fought victory, returning home expecting shared joy, only to be met with scorn. It’s a painful illustration of how even great achievements can feel hollow without the support and understanding of those closest to us. This passage draws a parallel to contemporary relationships, suggesting that some spouses, instead of celebrating their partner’s success, become preoccupied with mundane anxieties like finances. This is a critical point. While practical concerns are valid, prioritizing them over celebrating a partner’s achievement can be deeply demoralizing. It’s a missed opportunity to build intimacy, strengthen the bond, and fuel their partner’s passion. Imagine a husband landing a significant promotion, eager to share the good news, only to be met with his wife’s immediate concerns about the potential for increased workload and less family time. While her concerns might be legitimate, the lack of initial celebration and encouragement can leave him feeling deflated and unappreciated.

The core issue is respect. David, a king and a warrior, found himself disrespected in his own home. This resonates because, regardless of status or accomplishment, everyone deserves to feel respected and valued by their spouse. To be despised by the person who is supposed to be your closest confidante, your biggest cheerleader, your partner in life, is a uniquely isolating and painful experience. The question posed is a poignant one: “How do you live with someone who despises you? It’s a question that echoes the silent struggles within many relationships where resentment and bitterness have taken root.

The passage then reveals David’s extraordinary response: unwavering worship. He didn’t succumb to the bitterness or let his wife’s negativity derail him. Instead, he channelled his energy into his faith, finding solace and strength in his relationship with God. This isn’t a passive act of resignation, but a proactive choice to focus on something larger than himself, something that provided him with inner strength and perspective. He refused to let his wife’s negativity define him or his actions. Furthermore, David committed to doing the honourable thing, even in the absence of recognition or respect. He continued to conduct his business with integrity, to lead with righteousness, and to uphold his responsibilities, regardless of how he was treated at home. This is a powerful example of self-leadership and inner strength. It demonstrates the ability to act virtuously, not for external validation, but because it is inherently right. He was leading instead of reacting. He wasn’t allowing her contempt to dictate his behaviour or diminish his character. He maintained his own moral compass, choosing to be a leader of integrity, even when those closest to him failed to acknowledge it.

In essence, David’s story is a testament to the importance of inner strength, unwavering faith, and commitment to personal integrity in the face of adversity. It’s a call to prioritize appreciation an encouragement in our relationships and a reminder that true leadership begins within, regardless of the external environment. It encourages us to ask ourselves: Are we building each other up, celebrating successes, and fostering an environment of respect and support, or are we, perhaps unknowingly, contributing to a climate of negativity and resentment? The answer to that question could be the difference between a thriving relationship and a slow, agonizing decline.

Returning home after a long and arduous journey, you might find a disheartening reality: your own children, those you nurtured and raised, might not offer you the respect you deserve. This can be a deeply painful experience, one that challenges your very sense of self. In such moments, the key lies in cultivating an inner strength, a resilience that allows you to stand tall regardless of the sting of disrespect or mistreatment from those around you. It’s about discovering that wellspring of self-worth that remains untouched by the opinions or actions of others. Pastor Eric believes that King David, as the Scriptures depict, exemplifies this profound strength. Even amidst profound personal turmoil, he turned to his faith for solace and guidance. The passage tells us that David “offered burnt offerings before the Lord,” engaging in acts of worship and expressing heartfelt thanksgiving even as his world seemed to crumble around him. He wasn’t consumed by bitterness or self-pity; instead, he chose to connect with something larger than himself. Furthermore, David’s actions extended beyond his personal relationship with God. He “blessed the people in the name of the Lord Almighty”, demonstrating his commitment to serving and uplifting his community. He then “distributed food, a loaf of bread and cake of raisins to all the people, ensuring that joy and blessings of the day were shared by everyone, so that everyone could celebrate.” This act of generosity, this sharing of abundance even in his own time of struggle, speaks volumes about his character. He understood the power of communal joy, the importance of fostering a sense of unity and celebration in the face of adversity.

Ultimately, David’s example highlights the significance of maintaining focus on ethical and honourable conduct even when those closest to us display disdain or disapproval. He chose to rise above the negativity, prioritizing integrity and selfless service above personal hurt. It’s a testament to his inner fortitude, a reminder that true strength lies not in demanding respect, but in radiating grace and compassion, even when it’s most difficult. His story serves as an inspiring example of how to navigate personal hardship with faith, generosity, and an unwavering commitment to doing what is right, regardless of the circumstances.

5 a) Respect the man that he is.

Ephesians 5:33 calls upon women to respect their husbands. This isn’t just a suggestion, but a foundational principle for a healthy and God-honouring marriage. But what does that respect truly look like in practice? Perhaps you’re sitting here today, considering how to extend this respect not only to your husband, but to all the men in your life – your father, your brother, your sons. The question echoes in your heart: How do I genuinely show respect to the men around me? The key, the very essence of this biblical instruction, lies in respecting the man he is, not the man you envision him to be. It’s about honouring the individual God has created, the man standing right in front of you. This applies to your father, to your son, to every man in your life. Value and cherish him for his inherent worth, for his unique strengths and yes, even his weaknesses, understanding that God is still working on him, just as He is working on all of us. The greatest pitfall lies in projecting our idealized version onto them. We often harbour expectations, sometimes unrealistic ones, and become disappointed when they don’t measure up to our preconceived notions. This disappointment can manifest in subtle criticisms, nagging requests, or even overt attempts to mold them into our desired image. 

Think about the devastating effects of pornography. So often, it involves a man comparing his wife to another woman, a woman presented in an unrealistic context – bathed in flattering light, expertly made up, and often digitally enhanced. It creates an impossible standard, leading to dissatisfaction and ultimately, disrespect for the real woman he has chosen to share his life with. In a similar vein, when a woman constantly compares her husband to other men – comparing his career to a more successful colleague, his physique to a movie star, his skills to a handyman neighbour – she is engaging in the same destructive behaviour. She’s holding him to an external, often unattainable standard, and in doing so, undermining his sense of worth and diminishing his individuality. Therefore, one of the most profound ways to respect your husband, or any man in your life, is to wholeheartedly respect who he is, as he is, right now. Accept the fact that he isn’t “that guy” – that athletic friend, that wealthy acquaintance. He is himself. He’s Roger, with his quiet strength and thoughtful nature. He’s Sean, with his infectious laughter and unwavering loyalty. He’s Bill, with his practical skills and dependable presence. Recognize and appreciate the unique qualities that make him who he is.

Instead of focusing on what you wish he would change, pour your energy into prayer. Pray for him to grow into the man Christ desires him to be. Pray for his strength, his wisdom, his discernment. Pray for him to draw closer to God and to fulfill his potential. But while you are praying, consciously choose to respect who he is in this very moment. Resist the urge to manipulate him, to control him, or to constantly try to change him. Embrace the man God has entrusted to you, celebrate his individuality, and offer him the unconditional love and respect he deserves. This genuine respect, born out of acceptance and appreciation, will nurture his spirit and empower him to become the best version of himself, a man truly pleasing in God’s eyes.

Pastor Eric cautioned against the detrimental practice of comparing your husband to other men. “Don’t compare your husband to your father”, he emphasized, “just like you would not want him to compare you to his mother. Respect the man that he is and not the man you want him to be.” This isn’t an endorsement of blind acceptance, however. He clarified, “I’m not saying you have to accept everything.” Recognizing the diverse situations within his congregation, he addressed a specific concern. “Some of you”, he noted, “you are married to a non-Christian, and there are values and behaviours…” He reiterated his point, “I’m not saying you accept everything.” His intention wasn’t to advocate for compromising deeply held beliefs. Rather, his concluding thought returned to the importance of basic human respect. “I’m just saying respect him as a man,” Pastor Eric concluded, underscoring the foundation of dignity and consideration upon which a healthy marriage could be built, even amidst differing values and lifestyles. He was encouraging his congregation to find a balance between accepting their husbands as individuals deserving of respect, while also holding onto their own personal values and beliefs.

5 b) Practice honest criticism in private and unwavering support in public.

The wisdom imparted by Pastor Eric offers a profound insight into building a strong and respectful family dynamic: practice honest criticism in private and unwavering support in public. This principle, particularly relevant within a marital context, emphasizes the importance of maintaining a united front for the sake of the children and the overall health of the relationship. He illustrated this point with a familiar example: constantly correcting your husband in front of the children can inadvertently erode their respect for him. This isn’t merely about blind obedience, but rather about cultivating an atmosphere of esteem and value within the family. When children witness a consistent undermining of their father’s authority, they begin to internalize a lack of respect, which can have far-reaching consequences. Therefore, in the presence of the children, it is crucial to demonstrate respect, offer encouragement, and maintain a sense of unity. This doesn’t imply suppressing genuine concerns or disagreements, but rather choosing the appropriate time and place to address them. Behind closed doors, in the privacy of the marital relationship, honest feedback and constructive criticism become essential tools for growth and improvement. He needs you to be his confidante, his sounding board, the one who gently guides him when he falters. Just as a wife needs her husband to provide the same support and guidance.

As Mark Merrill, founder of Family First, Inc., said, “When children respect their father, they are not just honouring him, they are building their own character and learning how to honour God’s authority in their lives.”

5 c) Encourage him by believing in him.

Read Hebrews 13:5

The power of belief can be a profound catalyst for encouragement, particularly within the sacred bond of marriage. David, filled with righteous joy, was leading the Ark of the Lord back to Jerusalem. His heart overflowed with devotion, and his actions reflected his unbridled enthusiasm. However, his wife, Michal, observed him with disdain, her heart seemingly closed to the significance of the moment and perhaps even embarrassed by his unrestrained display of faith. Imagine how much stronger David’s spirit would have been, had Michal offered him unwavering support and belief in that pivotal moment.

Sadly, Michal’s reaction mirrors a common challenge within many marriages: a lack of belief in one’s spouse. Too often, women (and it’s important to acknowledge this can apply to men as well) place their faith and trust in external figures – the pronouncements of a doctor, the counsel of a pastor, the influence of a trusted friend, or even the persuasive words of a charismatic personality on television. While seeking guidance and relying on various sources is not inherently wrong, it becomes detrimental when it eclipses the faith and trust placed in one’s own husband or son. 

Let us recognize the immense power of our encouragement and use it to uplift them, support their aspirations, and strengthen the bonds of love and trust that bind us together. By believing in them, we not only empower them but also enrich our own lives and the very fabric of our families. For within that unwavering belief lies the potential for extraordinary growth and a truly fulfilling partnership.

Pastor Eric moved to the left of the pulpit, a warm smile gracing his face as he prepared to draw his sermon to a close. He leaned forward, his eyes twinkling with the anticipation of sharing a powerful anecdote. “I’m going to finish with this story, a story that has always resonated deeply with me, the story of Derek Redmond. In the sweltering summer of 1992, at the Barcelona Olympics, a British sprinter by the name of Derek Redmond, lined up for the 400-metre semi-final. This wasn’t just another race for Derek; it was the culmination of years of relentless training, sacrifice, and unwavering dedication. He was determined to win that race. More than just a victory, it was his dream, the shimmering beacon that had guided him through countless hours of grueling practice and unwavering self-belief. “And so,” Pastor Eric continued, his voice taking on a more dramatic tone, “the race began. The starting gun fired, echoing through the stadium, and Derek, fueled by adrenaline and years of preparation, came out strong. He had a good start, bursting from the blocks with explosive power. He ran with confidence, his stride long and powerful, his eyes focused intently on the finish line. He kept pace with the other runners, a symphony of athletic prowess unfolding before a captivated audience. The crowd roared, a wave of encouragement washing over the athletes as they rounded the bend. But then, in a heart-stopping instant, everything changed. With just 175 metres to go, a distance that seemed both agonizingly close and impossibly far, disaster struck. Derek’s hamstring tore, a sudden, searing pain rippling through his leg like a lightning bolt. He fell hard, his body crumpling to the track, the wind knocked out of him. He was in pain, excruciating pain that threatened to overwhelm him. He collapsed to the ground, clutching his leg, the roar of the crowd fading into a muffled hum as the agony took over. There was a silence, a stunned silence that descended upon the stadium as the magnitude of what had just happened sunk in. The other runners, oblivious to his misfortune, continued their race, a blur of focused determination as they powered towards the finish line. But Derek was on the ground, his face contorted in pain and disbelief. He was devastated. His dream, so close within his grasp, was seemingly crushed before his very eyes. “But what he did next”, Pastor Eric declared, his voice filled with admiration, “is even more remarkable than any gold medal victory. He decided to stand up. With sheer willpower, ignoring the throbbing pain in his leg, he pushed himself up, wincing with every movement. He refused to surrender. He decided to finish the race, limping as he went, his body screaming in protest with each agonizing step. The crowd, initially silent in shock, began to murmur, then to cheer, a wave of support building as they witnessed his incredible resilience. “And not only that,” Pastor Eric added, his voice choked with emotion, “but his father, Jim Redmond, watching in horror from the stands, jumped out. Driven by paternal love and a fierce determination to reach his son, he managed to bypass security, his heart pounding in his chest. He went to his son, reaching him on the track, his face etched with concern. He put his arm around Derek and said, ‘You don’t have to finish the race, son. You don’t have to prove anything. You did your part. You gave it your all.’ But Derek, his face streaked with tears and sweat, shook his head, his eyes filled with unwavering resolve. He said, ‘I want to do this, Dad. I want to finish the race.’ Derek leaned on his father, and together, they walked. They limped. They struggled. But they moved forward. They finished it together. Jim, in his love and support, became Derek’s crutch, his strength, his unwavering companion. This wasn’t about winning a medal; it was about something far more profound: the unbreakable bond between a father and son, the testament to the power of perseverance, and the sheer force of love.”

“That image, that moment, that unwavering support is what sticks with me”, Pastor Eric said. “We talk a lot about being better men, better fathers, better husbands, more respected in our careers and in our communities. We strive for success, for accolades, for the perfect image. But I’m here to tell you today that life isn’t always about that perfect image. Life is messy. Life throws curveballs. You might stumble. You might fall. You may even feel like you’ve failed. Maybe you look back at your marriage and see moments of regret, opportunities missed, words left unsaid, wounds inflicted. Maybe you feel you haven’t been the parent you always envisioned, that you haven’t been present enough, supportive enough, loving enough. Perhaps your business venture didn’t pan out as planned. Maybe you’ve faced setbacks in your career, feeling stagnant, unfulfilled, or even on the brink of losing everything. Maybe relationships have crumbled, leaving you feeling isolated and alone. You see the finish line of what you hoped for, but the distance seems insurmountable now, especially in the state you’re in. However, today, I came to say this: It’s not about who finishes first. It’s not about the flawless performance or the untarnished reputation. It’s about finishing the race. It’s about getting back up after you fall. It’s about refusing to be defined by your failures, but instead, learning from them, growing from them, and using them as fuel to propel you forward. And here is the incredible thing, the game-changer, the source of ultimate strength: you are not alone on this track. You have a heavenly Father standing on the sidelines, not just watching, but ready and willing to help you reach the finish line. He’s the ultimate Jim Redmond, ready to step in, wrap His arm around you, and guide you through the pain and the struggle. He says and He promises, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5) I will be with you until the end. I won’t let you quit. I won’t let you give up on yourself. I’m going to help you.”

“And I have a deep feeling, a conviction in my heart, that there are people in this place here today, people who feel that weight of failure, that sting of disappointment. And I’m not just talking about moral failures, although that’s certainly a part of it. I’m talking about life itself. You may feel like you stumbled, like you lost your way, like you deviated from the path God had intended for you. You may feel like God was taking you somewhere magnificent, but you fell somewhere along the path, and now you’re covered in dirt, bruised, and discouraged. I came to say from the bottom of my heart, with every fiber of my being: Get back up! Dust yourself off. Remember who you are. Remember whose you are. There’s still a race to finish, and you have a loving Father ready to help you cross that line, not in shame or defeat, but with your head held high, knowing you persevered, you endured, and you finished strong. You finish with Him.

Watch the video here.